Tuesday, November 03, 2009

New Edict from Non-Scientific Home Office

Featured on Liberal Democrat Voice

Memo from the Home Office:

From the Inquisition Chamber,
Home Office,

Effective Immediately.

We have listened to scientific advise, and after a review decided that we know best after all, therefore in the this the year of our Lord Mandelson 2 we declare:

  • The earth is flat and all globes shall be taken from schools and places of learning forthwith and beaten into a level playing field (Minster of Sport to be consulted about availability of these)
  • This earth is at the centre of the Universe, the sun, planets and stars revolve around us. Anyone caught mentioning Galileo is to be rowed to the edge of the world and thrown off.
  • If any ape suggests we are their decedent we say shoot them. Apparently those Gorillas have been saying that most loudly, shouldn't take too long for the SAS to get rid of the remaining ones. (However, send them by boat, man wasn't meant to fly, that is just unnatural)
  • Penicillin is just mould and we will commission Kim and Aggie to look into its effective removal.
  • This going to a switch in the wall and things coming on is witchcraft. We will take all 'electrical' engineers to the nearest lake and test them for witchery by means of ordeal by water. Any floaters, we expect the majority, will be burnt at the stake.
  • Vehicles that move without visible means or forward momentum are also beyond our reasoning. We will announce an amnesty for those that use such contraptions to trade them in for 2 horses so as they can pull their carts.
  • Mead, beer and the smoking of the noble weed brought back from the edge of the world by Sir Walter Rayleigh are honourable pastimes and the later does not affect innocent by standers. Anyone who suggests otherwise is clearly Nutts.
  • We are not too sure about the lumpy, round, root crop he also brought back and we think there is still some need for scientific research. We have asked Colonel Sanders and Ronald McDonald to get all the goodness out of this item.
Signed Alan Johnson

Lord High Inquisitor

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